Do you think marriage is worth anything, anymore?

• Breach of Trust: When one person in a committed relationship goes outside its agreed perimeters to partake in emotional or physical intimacy with someone else, the foundation of the primary relationship is severely damaged. The passive party to the infidelity feels violated, completely confused as to how the person they trusted with their emotional and physical vulnerability could betray them.


• Shame: The fundamental characteristic of shame is that it’s emotionally and physical painful. It feels like a punch in the stomach. Shame arises when we are given a demeaning label that we can’t eliminate through our actions. So the passive party to the infidelity gets labeled a victim while the active party gets labeled an aggressor and infidel.


• Guilt: In contrast to shame, which derives from fingers pointing in towards us, guilt is an internal construct that arises when we point fingers at ourselves. It’s our internal and moral code of conduct that causes us to self-regulate our actions in the world. Like shame, guilt exists in both parties to the infidelity. The passive party feels like they did something “wrong” to cause their partner to wander, while the active partner feels diminished for their actions.

Treating Infidelity in Relationships

In treating infidelity, it’s important that the parties work with a therapist who they trust and who reflects back to them their own morals and values rather then dictating down to them notions of “right” or “wrong.” In this regard, therapy becomes a collaborative process where the individuals and the couple figure out how the infidelity fits into the complete trajectory of their marriage, their individual lives and the lives of their children.

To do this, they need to go back and look at what brought them together, what religious and community values they share, where they differ, and what they want for their future. It’s a process that requires a high tolerance for discomfort, the ability to process anger, resentment and hostility in constructive rather than destructive and punitive ways; and, a willingness to be open to incorporating a new reality into the narrative of their relationship.

For relationships exist as a narrative. They consist of a beginning, middle and an end. While an infidelity will certainly impact the story line of a relationship, it need not define its entirety. Parties to an infidelity need to make sure that they remain in control of their author’s pen and finish the script in a way that honors who they are and what they want in this world.